From Addiction to Redemption: My Journey of Quitting for Good

This is 20ml, I used to take this in a day. These were some of the mistakes or actions I made over the past two-three years. These are the scars I gave to my body, and they will stay with me for life. Whenever I look at them, I feel scared. I have started fearing these things.

I become terrified when I think about what I used to do to my life. These are the dry fruits I used to eat. This is what they call AMP, right? It may be just 20ml, but in the beginning, I don’t think I could even tolerate 1ml. But eventually, I started injecting the entire 20ml bottle in 1 day.

This is what made me think, I was the most shredded in 2020-21. This was the so-called "Ram Baan" (miraculous remedy) that kept me in cutting mode all the time and made me believe that no one was stronger than me. When I used to take it, I felt like no one was wiser and stronger than me.

But today, I realize that there was no one more foolish than me, as I was ruining my own life.

My name is Hitesh, and I have been into bodybuilding for the past five-six years. I last competed in 2019, and I competed in the Mens physique category.

I am a Mens physique athlete, but I faced a gap of four to five years because, after 2019, I got into some bad habits. I got addicted to AMP and Terman (performance enhancing drugs, which completely spoiled my family, my business, and my career. But it's been a year now since I quit.

After 2019, the lockdown happened, and while it was a tough time for everyone, it was even worse for me. Gyms were closed, and financially, everything came to a halt. I had just opened my gym, and I kept wondering where the money would come from.

During that time, some guys in my circle told me, Hitesh, this is even better than pre-workout. It will completely wipe out your fatigue. Since I never smoked or drank, this was something entirely new for me. They convinced me to try it.

For the first time in my life, they injected around 15-20 mg into my vein. The pump I felt after that was something I had never experienced before in my workouts. And then, as they say, addiction begins when you try something once, and then you crave it again. The same thing happened to me.

for the first time, they gave it to me. The second time, I asked for it myself because it felt so good. I could forget about eating, but I could never forget this drug.

And today, I see young kids using it for fun, without realizing what they are getting into...

I have spoiled four to five years of my life because of this. In 2019-20, during the lockdown, when I started taking it, my body responded in such a way that I felt like no one was stronger than me. It gave me such an intense pump that I felt like I had superpowers—like I was the strongest in the gym, capable of lifting the heaviest weights.

But what happened next? My gym took a backseat. I didn’t care about how the gym was running, how many clients were coming in, or how much sales were happening. I had no interest in anything.

I won’t sugarcoat it—I started small. Initially, I wasn’t even taking a full milliliter. But by the time I reached 2023, my intake had increased to 15-16ml daily. And this is something that, even if you want to quit, you can’t. It becomes an addiction. As they say, getting into an addiction is easy, but getting out is incredibly difficult.

But for me, reality hit hard when I saw tears in my father’s eyes.

I also recently got married.

Hello, my name is Pratiksha, and I am Hitesh’s wife. Our relationship became full of fights—over anything and everything. If he took my phone, he would keep scrolling endlessly, finding reasons to argue. It got to the point where daily fights became a part of our routine.

Hitesh

The biggest thing was that I always wore full sleeves—whether it was winter or summer, no matter how hot it got. My family didn’t see me in half sleeves for nearly one and a half to two years. I always kept wristbands on to hide the marks so that no one could see the addiction.

Back then, no matter the weather, I needed full-sleeve shirts to hide everything. But now, I don’t care—I wear a tank top, even in winter. At that time, the patches on my skin were lighter, so they weren’t very noticeable, but now they have darkened.

There’s a mark on my arm that I got from using a 2ml syringe, but I used to lie about it, saying I got it from a machine at the gym. I avoided going to the gym for a while so no one would question it. If someone noticed and asked me, I would make up an excuse—just to avoid exposing the truth.

The fear of someone seeing the marks was always there. It got to a point where I started feeling depressed. At the worst, I even had suicidal thoughts. My veins were in terrible condition. Most people inject using an insulin syringe, but I used a regular syringe.

I am not hiding anything anymore because I don’t want the youth to go down the same path. Many young guys think that if they deadlift 200kg or 220kg, they are the strongest. But they don’t realize that, little by little, their body is deteriorating from the inside.

I am speaking up today because I don’t want anyone to go through the same suffering I did for three to four years. Those who are just starting out should stop before it's too late—before they reach a point where they feel like ending their own life.

Back in 2019, sir, something terrible happened. You know those insulin needles used for diabetic patients? I used to inject with those. One day, while injecting, the needle broke inside my vein.

I immediately took off my clothes and started searching for it, trying to figure out where it went. I asked a friend who was with me, "Bro, I think it's still inside my vein." He thought I was crazy. He said, "That’s not possible! How can it be inside?" But, I was sure. If it wasn’t outside, it had to be inside in my vein.

We rushed to a nearby hospital right next to my gym. The doctors examined me using some micro-technique and found that the broken insulin needle was stuck in my muscle. A tiny piece was lodged inside. Then, I went to Balaji Hospital, where they had to make a small incision with stitches to remove it. I was literally praying to God, just save me this time, and I swear I’ll never do this again. They finally removed it, and I still have that tiny needle kept safely at home as a reminder.

For the next three-six months, I stopped everything. But then, someone came along and convinced me again. He told me, Bro, that happened because the needle was weak. Use this one (syringe) it's stronger. Your veins might break, but this needle won’t.

And that's how I restarted.

The expenses were insane. I used to feel like it was a jackpot whenever someone payed me a three-month or six-month gym membership, I get happy because I knew, I could use that money to buy more stock. If someone sponsored even a one-month membership, I was sure I’d get them convince to buy two or three more months somehow.

In the beginning, the price per bottle was ₹300, but later, it went up to ₹500-₹600, depending on the medical store. I always bought at ₹500 per bottle.

Every month, I was spending around ₹30,000 to ₹35,000 just on this stuff. But when it came to food? Forget ₹10,000—I wasn’t even eating a proper ₹5,000-worth diet.

I was exaggerating when I said I was spending ₹5,000 a day on food. The reality was far worse—I barely ate. Maybe I’d drink an energy drink, have some peanuts, or nibble on whatever was available. Anyone using this stuff knows—hunger will disappear. You stay hungry all day and just work out to burn it off.

I own a supplement store, and I see this pattern in addicts every day. Gym addicts believe their physique is built solely by these substances. They don’t think about side effects, and even when consulted, most ignore the warnings. If they don’t get it from one place, they’ll find another. This business has a huge profit margin, and sellers charge whatever they want.

I must have wasted at least ₹4-5 lakh on this. Beyond that, I didn’t even bother counting. It became an obsession, a craving. People usually replace one addiction with another—smokers cut down on cigarettes and drink more, drinkers quit alcohol but start smoking more. But I had never touched any addiction before. That’s why it overpowered me so easily.

In my family, I was the only one engaged into fitness—everyone else had regular jobs. So, for me, it was all about the gym. I’d inject at 5 AM, do half my workout, see some new stronger guys in the gym, and immediately feel like I needed more. I’d take another 5 ml shot, and before I knew it, I was at 10 ml a day.

And then came the exhaustion. To counteract it, I had to train longer—if I took 10 ml, I had to work out for at least four hours. But even that wasn’t enough. I’d sit at the gym all evening, feeling drained, until someone would offer me another dose. Bhaiya, aur loge? Haan bhai.

The crazy part? You never feel tired. Even if I was in the farthest corner of Delhi at 11 PM, I’d call home and say, I’m going to work out first. My body would be breaking down, but the moment I injected, I’d feel unstoppable. Haan, ab sahi lag raha hai.

And sleep? Forget it. 8-10 hours of wakefulness at a stretch. If I was scrolling my phone at midnight, I’d still be waiting for 6 AM, desperate to hit the gym again.

At first, it feels amazing. But by the end, you just want to stop—but you can’t.

I stopped giving time to my family, my parents, my wife—no one. And I had become aggressive, always looking for an argument over the smallest thing.

I used to stay quiet at home, not talking to anyone. If I got food, I would eat; if not, I wouldn’t even ask for it. I would only ask when I felt hungry.

I would go to the gym in the morning and return home late at night. During the day, when no one was in the gym, I would sleep there. My routine was—arrive at the gym at 6 AM and leave for home at 12 midnight, I only going home to sleep.

Pratiksha

Whenever he started scrolling through my phone, he would start questioning me— “Who is this? Who is that?” Even if it was a girl from my school, he would ask, “Who was she?” Even when there was no link between anything, he would still fight over it.

At one point, I started feeling like he had some mental problem. I thought I had made a mistake by getting married to him.

Hitesh

Either my wife was good, or my parents were good—at least they supported me and understood me. Otherwise, in today’s times, anyone else would have left me alone.

Then suddenly, my marriage was planned. I had no issue with getting married, but it happened all of a sudden. I was always sensitive about my wedding—I wanted to have a great wedding. But then I started thinking, "I don’t even have money right now, and my family is the one arranging everything."

After that, my addiction increased even more. I kept questioning, “Why aren’t my family members listening to me? But, in reality, they were thinking about my well-being, but I could only see negativity in everything. If something bad happened, I felt like my family was against me.

When you take AMP, Termins (performance enhancing drugs), the first thing that happens is that you distance yourself from the people who genuinely care about you—because they will try to guide you in the right direction. You move away from them, and the only people who stay close to you are those who are also addicted. They become your so-called close friends. Even if you have no money, they will still encourage you, saying, “Don’t worry, we’ll manage.”

If they borrowed money today, they would call you every evening. The day I quit, my entire circle disappeared. Those guys left me because they knew—"He will take it himself and give it to us too."

I used to have someone I considered a brother, my elder brother figure. He came to me, and it became an excuse—money used to come out of my pocket. If we were going to deadlift, that was the excuse to take it. Deadlifting 220, 240 kg, acting like a huge powerlifter, pretending to prep for a game I never played.

Every deadlift—200 kg, then, "Bro, let’s go to the bathroom." Then 210 kg—"Let’s go to the bathroom." Squatting 200 kg—"Now let’s do 210 kg." And my seniors, they were hyping me up. They even came to my wedding. One of my seniors, I won’t name him, once said, "Bro, let’s go to the gym and do workout." I used to travel 15 km from home to my gym, crossing a canal just to work out. My family thought I had gone to a parlor, but I was deadlifting at my gym.

At that time, I didn’t realize it was wrong. Now that I do, I just want to say—what happened to me, I don’t want it to happen to anyone else.

This person (the one sharing his story) admitted everything himself. He started taking the drugs, during the lockdown and told us everything that happened to him.

Pratiksha

One night, we started talking at midnight, he had told me his entire story. He even cried. He just wanted to quit the torture he did to himself. After that, he stopped going to the gym for a while and stayed at home. He loved sweets, so if he asked for halwa at 2 AM, I would make it for him—anything he wanted I'll made for him, but he wouldn’t go out from the house.

Even when his gym staff and trainer told him to come back, he would tell me at 8 PM, "Come with me. If you come, you can stop me from taking the drugs. Even if I try, scold me, get angry, do whatever it takes, but don’t let me take it."

Hitesh

Then back-to-back things started happening. One time, my gym caught fire. My iPhone got stolen. It felt like God was hitting me again and again, telling me to change my ways.

I used to be religious—I kept fasts on Tuesdays, did all the rituals. But I left everything. I stopped believing in God, never went to temples.

One day before my phone was stolen—my iPhone 13 Pro Max—I was wandering outside, completely unaware of where or when it got stolen from my pocket.

The next day, someone suggested, "Do a havan at your gym, things will get better." I refused. "God is angry with me, I won’t go. Mom, Dad, you go if you want." I stayed home, sleeping.

My parents went to the gym and did the havan. There’s this sacred fire pit, and they left after the ritual. The trainer assured them, "Don’t worry, Uncle, Aunty, I’ll take care of things."

As soon as they left, the entire gym caught fire. Everything burned when I reached the gym, I was just hoping something would be left, something would be saved.

I realized one thing—when your time is good, everyone is with you. But when you’re doing something wrong, you’ll see the truth.

I realized that though my gym ever caught fire, it means that I have done something wrong to someone, and now I am facing the consequences. Nothing happens without a reason—God tries to give you signs, telling you, “This is your work, your livelihood; don’t bring all these things here.” But I didn’t understand and kept doing those things. I lied to my family, I lied to my wife, I stayed out of the house, fought with everyone, didn’t give time to anyone, and ruined my physique.

I once shared this with my coach, Kuldeep Singh. He told me, “Hitesh, the day you quit this, come to me.” and it took me one and a half to two years to go to him. I just didn’t have the courage. I knew that even if I touched his feet, he would recognize that I was still using it.

Finally, I promised him that I had quit. It has been over a year now—since October 8, 2022—and, touchwood, I haven’t touched that bottle. I don’t even like it anymore. Now, in my gym, I have asked all the young guys who use this stuff to leave. I folded my hands and told them, “Please find another gym—these substances won’t work here.”

Pratiksha

What I want to say is that he treats me like a child now. I lost my parents, and he treats me as if I’m his own baby. If I make a demand, it gets fulfilled instantly. But earlier, things were different—he didn’t even talk to me. If I cried all night, it didn’t matter to him. If I went out and didn’t return home, he didn’t care. But now, if I’m out somewhere, he calls me and says, “come home first.” He makes sure I eat properly, spend time with people, and talk.

Earlier, none of this happened. Now, if he wants something—even if it’s 2 AM and he says he wants halwa—I will make it for him no matter what, just to make sure he never goes back to that stuff. He gets everything at home—whatever he wants to eat, wear, or wherever he wants to go, but he must never touch that substance again.

If someone truly wants to quit, if they realize their life, family, and career are getting spoiled, they need someone close to them. Not those friends who also consumes it, but someone genuinely close—wife, mother, sister, brother—someone they can tell their entire story to, someone who will support them and say, “You don’t need this, whatever you need, you will get it.”

For people like him, if they feel like they are losing their gym, money, or anything that pushes them toward using substances, they need to know that everything will be provided to them at home. They won’t need to struggle for anything, as long as they stay clean.

And if they still insist on using, slap them in public if you have to—but don’t let them ruin their life. After some time, they will realize that someone genuinely cares about them. That’s when they will quit.

Hitesh

Many people might be thinking, “Oh, now he’s telling us not to use it after having done it himself.” Brother, I have wasted my time and money—I don’t want you to do the same. And honestly, I don’t think even one person out of ten will come forward and openly admit it. But I am standing in front of you, saying, “Yes, I did it, but I quit, and you should too.”

If you want to see your wife, your parents, your friends, and your career flourish, quit this habit. Life doesn’t come around twice. If you keep using, your life will become like that of an insect— i.e, meaningless.

I am deeply thankful to my wife, my parents, and Kuldeep Bhaiya. I don’t believe I could have quit on my own. My wife was the first, my parents second, and Kuldeep Bhaiya, who motivated me to stand up for myself, knowing that they were standing right behind me.

And to all my younger and older brothers, my seniors and juniors, anyone in my friend circle—if you are using this stuff, I am requesting you to stop.

If you didn't everyone else will leave you. Your family will leave you. Your work will leave you. Your friend circle will leave you. You will have no one. The world will feel like a burden.

So, my brother, instead of giving up on life, quit this.

It’s hard to leave an addiction, but surround yourself with people who don’t use it. First and foremost, cut off from those who still do. Don’t wait for them to quit—focus on quitting yourself. Block their numbers, stay away from them, do whatever it takes, but leave this behind.

If you don’t quit, your parents will need at least two sons because you are already on your way out of their lives. The time you have left is already short.

Whatever you’ve already used, let it go. But if you truly want to live a better life, stay away from everyone who is involved in this.

Credit - Tarun Gill

Veins mein needle fas gayi - Mat dekhna - Tarun Gill talks